That green eyed monster
by Kyla1
Summary: Kathryn is flirting and Chakotay is far from happy, done from Chakotay pov


She's laughing again, I haven't been able to make her laugh like that in ages

Disclaimer: The characters of Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay, B'ellana, Tom, Harry and Tuvok are not mine, however Zukrem Diawlo is! (read it and find out lazy!)

Feedback: PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE

Note: I hope I have got the character of Chakotay right, it's hard trying to write things purely from his perspective. Any comments on this feature will be very much appreciated.

That green eyed monster

She's laughing again, I haven't been able to make her laugh like that in ages. I wonder what the other crew members think about their captain making such a show of herself in full view of everyone, surprisingly enough they don't actually seem to be that bothered. Is it really just me? Well, Tuvok looks disapproving, but then again Tuvok always looks disapproving. I sigh inwardly and try to send another meaningful glare in her direction, she's not looking at me, instead she's chatting to _HIM_, I glare at him for a full minute and he still isn't getting the hint. How could she be interested in him? Let's think, where did it all start? Well I suppose it started when we first arrived at the planet, Kathryn had been looking for ages for a place where the crew could have a few days off, relax maybe. She's dedicated like that, always thinks of the crew first. Anyway we found this planet, just a nice little simple planet with nice scenery and not too much technology. We had discovered the down sides to going to a planet with too much technology, it usually ended up with us making a hasty exit, but Kathryn Janeway doesn't make the same mistake twice, I found that out the hard way. The first person to greet us after the ship had landed was ambassador Zukrem Diawlo, I would've thought the name would've stopped her from the word go. Anyway Kathryn went down first by prearranged agreement to sort out all the formalities, there turned out to be rather a lot of formalities as she was with him, alone, for quite a while. Meanwhile I was having a panic attack, if it hadn't have been for Tuvok and his maddening logic I would've gone down there myself and dragged her back to the ship. After a long while which seemed to me to last decades, she finally got back in touch and called us down. When I got there, I admit to being very hasty in my getting there but I apologised to all the crew members afterwards, I found them both sitting at the end of a table talking as if they were the best of friends, and if that wasn't enough I saw him _put his hand on her knee! _ I looked at them in shock, I expected her to punch him one but she didn't, instead she _laughed!_ I couldn't believe it, after all her morals, all her protocols about not getting involved here she was flirting with someone she had met just a few hours before. I can see him now looking like a smug git, he's not even that good looking. He's got brown floppy hair tinted with red and blonde streaks with bright blue eyes, and I'm talking bright as in you could see them a mile off bright, his skin is incredibly pale, like Dracula or something, he's got a weird dimple on his chin and his eyes are a slanty almond shape. But for whatever reason Kathryn seems to like him, a lot. She's laughing again now, with her head thrown back and tears coming out of her eyes. I can never make her laugh like that, all I get is 'very funny Chakotay,' or 'great Chakotay, I'll have that report first thing tomorrow,' I bet she wouldn't nag him to give her reports. Finally she's looking at me, I get prepared to give her a winning smile but before I get a chance she's looking at me with a glare that could melt the north pole, ouch! I think I should mind my own business as of now, the look she gave me suggested that she would give me leola root duties if I wasn't careful, and don't think she wouldn't, I know one trouble maker who reformed after just a week of leola root taste testing duties, we haven't heard a peep out of him since. Yes we, we used to be a team, now we're just work colleges, I sigh out loud and return to picking at the food on my plate. B'ellana, who's sitting on my right hand side, leans across.

"Are you all right Chakotay? You look pissed off." She asks in her own special brand of concern.

"Fine," I mumble, I concentrate on getting the food into my mouth instead of staring at Kathryn Janeway, the mystery of the Delta Quadrant. I wish I could fathom Kathryn, I have been trying for three years and haven't even come close. She is a Captain and a Woman, and a pretty amazing woman at that, but the woman gets squashed down and twisted to fit when it suits, she only lets it out in tiny squashed up ways. Like the faint scent of perfume about her that is unique, and the way she sometimes lets her hair down and it hangs down her back in shiny auburn waves, or her little touches of makeup. All these things have resulted in me taking numerous cold showers. I remember her once telling me about the time she had had to pose as a prostitute in order to get us out of a prison, it was shortly after she had been through a shuttle accident, we thought she was dead. I remember when she came to liberate me, she had been forced to lure a guard into a corner with promises of sex, then she killed him and came to get us out. When I found out about it, a long time afterwards, I was consumed by rage that the guard had touched her, I hated him for the fact that he had come closer to Kathryn than I ever could. There is a lot of sexual frustration onboard Voyager, I've fucked around, I admit it, you have to do something in order to relieve the pressure, but I haven't made love to anyone in years, there is only one woman I want to make love to. I don't know how Kathryn deals with her frustrations, I know for a fact it is against her principles to sleep around but even principles can get squashed by desire. Ever since Q asked her to mate with him I live in constant fear that one day he will come to see her and she will be unable to resist. B'ellana laughed when I confided that to her. She said she couldn't imagine it in a million years. I suppose in a way it is ridiculous but it is surprising what paranoia can do when you are afraid of loosing the person you love. 

It looks as if everyone has finished eating, I've barely touched my plate which is unusual for me. Usually it's me that eats everything and Kathryn who sticks to drinking coffee but it looks as though she's cleaned her plate for a change. I suppose Zukrem convinced her to eat properly, she never listens to me. Kathryn's just said something, I missed it while I was thinking but I think it's something about thanking people for hospitality because everyone's applauding, I join in half-heartedly, now everyone's standing up, I expect they're going to make full use of the bar, swimming pool and disco. They all filter out until it's just me, Kathryn and the Dracula look alike left, Kathryn and Dracula features are both still chatting and they seem to be heading out when Kathryn spots me still sitting at my seat.

"You go ahead," I hear her say, "I'll catch up." She's approaching me, I stand up, maybe she's coming to apologise for carrying on like that with him, maybe she's going to ask me to come for a drink with her. Unfortunately the look on her face suggests otherwise.

"What is your problem Chakotay?" She snaps, she's standing in front of me in her captain stance, with her hands on her hips.

"Nothings the matter, Captain." I snarl back at her, maybe I over did the sarcasm slightly because she looks as if she's about to explode. 

"Listen Chakotay," She warns, "I am having a perfectly good time with Zukrem and I don't need a petty little sulking first officer on my hands. So sort yourself out!"

"Me sort myself out?" I shout indignantly. "I'm not the one behaving like a stupid old tart with an alien ambassador I barely know!" I don't think I have ever seen Kathryn look this angry.

"How dare you!" She storms.

"Did anyone ever tell you you're angry when you're beautiful?" I tease back at her, her hand is in the air before I even register the look on her face, I feel a sudden thud and an explosion of pain. When I shake my head clear again she is standing very still as if she can't believe what she has just done, I can see her trying to compose herself.

"I am here to have a nice relaxing time Chakotay." She begins, she is unable to look me in the eyes. "And if that involves fucking an alien ambassador then so be it." Her words hurt me more than she ever could, if she was trying to cut me down to size then I think she just did it. She's left my the time my numb brain has started to function properly again. I just stand in a shocked silence for a long time, the side of my face is starting to hurt, Kathryn can certainly pack a punch. I still can't believe what she just said, I have never seen her like this, ever. In a way it almost frightens me, god knows what she would do in a mood like this. I move in a kind of daze towards the bar where Tom, B'ellana and Harry are all sitting chatting happily.

"Diaflind spirit please," I say to the cheerful barman. 

"What's the matter Chakotay? You look half dead." The always subtle Tom Paris attracts my attention. 

"Nothing," I mutter, I pick up my drink, one of the strongest spirits known in the Delta Quadrant.

"Woah Chaks! What the hell happened to your face?" Harry practically spits out his drink when he spies my red swollen eye and cheek. I register the pain in my face for the first time and wince.

"I, um, walked into a door." I lie quickly, B'ellana raises one eyebrow.

"I've heard that one before, come on, who hit you?" She questions, scanning my face quickly.

"Nobody ok?" I snap.

"Hey it wasn't Captain Janeway was it?" Tom jokes, I don't say anything. "Hey it wasn't, was it?" He bends down and looks me in the face. "Was it?" B'ellana gives Tom and Harry a look.

"Um Tom, look let's just move, over here." Harry pulls Tom to his feet and drags him away, B'ellana moves her stool closer.

"Hey Chakotay," She says softly, I don't answer her and instead look into the depths of my drink. "Chakotay," She says more firmly, she places her hand on top of mine. "It's me ok, you can talk to me." I sigh and look down at her hand on top of mine.

"It was Captain Janeway who hit me." I admit B'ellana looks shocked. "I deserved it," I tell her, she doesn't look convinced, "I was saying all these hurtful things, she didn't deserve them, I don't blame her for hitting me." 

"That still doesn't give her the right." B'ellana fumes she looks as if she's about to stand up.

"Don't B'ellana!" I say sharply, B'ellana plonks herself back down on her seat.

"Well what did you say to her that was so bad then?" She probes.

"I called her a stupid old tart," I admit, "And then when she got angry I teased her, it was my fault." B'ellana exhales softly.

"Well I suppose you should think yourself lucky that's all she did to you." She shakes her head. "Why the hell did you say that?" I take a long drink.

"Because I was jealous of her and that pompous twat." I tell her sadly, "He couldn't take his eyes off her, I wanted to smash his face in but instead I took it out on Kathryn." B'ellana shakes her head in amazement.

"You really do love her don't you. I thought it was all gossip." I didn't realise just how much I was giving away, I've never been good at hiding my true feelings, Kathryn's always teasing me about it. Mind you I'd rather show my feelings than do what she does and bottle them all up, there's nothing I can do to stop her, all I can do is hang around and hope that when it all gets too much I'm the one she comes too. I suddenly notice a silence has fallen, I look back up at B'ellana and catch her staring over my shoulder, I turn and peer in the direction she's looking in. 

Kathryn and Zukrem are sitting at a little two person table together having a drink, he's whispering something in her ear and she's smiling a little sexy smile I've never seen before. I can see that his hand is back on her knee again, he whispers again and she laughs, a throaty sexy laugh. I suddenly noticed she's changed her clothes and she is wearing a pale blue silky dress, it looks elegant but not to dressed up, I've only ever seen it once before and that was on New Earth. It seems to make the whole thing seem a lot worse, that fact that she's wearing that dress for him, not me. I stand up suddenly sending my stool scraping backwards.

"Chakotay wait!" B'ellana shouts ineffectually, I see Kathryn glance in my direction as I storm out and for some unknown reason it makes me even angrier. I carry on walking, out through the bar, past the swimming pool containing hordes of voyager crew, past out sleeping quarters, little cabins set up at the side, I carry on walking until I can't see any more people. I walk along a beach, I have no idea just how far I've walked or how long it's going to take me to get back. The beach is gorgeous, pure white sand crunches along under my foot and a blue sea crashes on the edge. The sky is a deep blue with streaks of orange, red and purple, the planets 3 moons are starting to come into view sending out their own little flashes of brilliant pure white. Kathryn would love this beach, the thought sends a pang through me. More than anything right now I wish Kathryn was here beside me, holding my hand. We'd walk and talk for hours and then maybe we would kiss and when the stars come up we would lie together in perfect harmony on the sand, limbs and soul intertwined. Then the memory of Kathryn sitting with Zukrem's hand on her knee comes, uninvited, back into my mind. I sink down to the ground and trace a pattern out on the sand, the pang runs through me again followed by a tightness in my chest. 

I don't understand it, how could one woman make me feel this way, I have never felt this way about anyone before, Kathryn is my other half, my soul mate, so why are we so apart? I have spent so long trying to figure it out, I have searched my soul so many times, I have asked my spirit guide so many questions all devoid of answers. 

I have always been there for her, a shoulder when she needs to cry, an ear when she needs to talk. I have let her take her anger out on me without a murmur. I have saved her life and I have watched her lie, dying, in a pool of her own blood. I have sat by her bedside holding her hand I have told my love to deaf ears a thousand times. Not that it hasn't been worth it, I have been paid back a thousand times over with the most loyal and loving companion I could ever find, she has defended me when all has seemed lost, she has degraded herself for me and perhaps the hardest thing of all for her, she has let me see the part of her she hides so often, the scared, tired part of her that just wants to be held. Yet she still hides, she still puts up a steel mask, she tries to pretend that anything that comes her way just dents her armour when really it wounds her to the soul. I lie awake in bed at night and I hear her cry, yet if I go over to her and try and hold her I know she will pull away and become instantly like stone again. 

The amount we have been through would normally make people so close they are inseparable but not me and Kathryn, for a short while I thought we were but then I realised that she resents me for getting close to her. She actually resents me for seeing the part of her that needs, wants. So again she pulls away.

It's got dark, I didn't realise just how long I had been sitting here. I pull myself up, the sea has been steadily coming in as I have been sitting here and it's now lapping at my feet, I pull off my shoes and walk along in the cool refreshing surf. It takes me a long time to walk back in the moonlight and I feel tired and worn out by the time I get back to my sleeping quarters. I fall into them and collapse on my bed, still fully clothed. I can hear the soft murmur of voices on one side and a steady rhythm of snoring on the other. I listen to the comforting noises until I fall asleep.

I wake the next morning to sunlight streaming in through my window, a trill of birdsong disturbs my dreams and I open my eyes blearily, I hadn't slept well. I had this awful dream where me and Kathryn were back on voyager having dinner, it had been going really well and she had been laughing in exactly the same way she had laughed with Zukrem yesterday. Then we had been about to kiss and she had slapped my face and turned round and kissed Zukrem, the dream was so realistic I woke up with a soaking wet pillow, drowned in a mixture of my tears and sweat. I quickly get up and splash my face with some cold water from the little sink. I decide to go to the shower cubicles. I grab my towel and step out the door onto the little wooden veranda, the early morning sunshine temporarily blinds me and I shield my eyes, I hear the door of the cabin next to me and I turn my head, Kathryn is walking out I notice she is still wearing her clothes from last night. I carry on watching her, unable to tear my eyes away, I feel another cold shower coming on. Then any thoughts along that line are chased away from my mind as the tall figure of Zukrem Diawlo appears in the door, they hug and he kisses her on the cheek.

"Thanks Zukrem," I hear her say. I still can't tear my eyes away, it's as if I am begging for punishment, I think Kathryn hears my heart pounding because she turns her head towards me, her mouth falls slightly open.

"Chakotay!" She breathes, I don't wait around to hear anymore and walk away. "Chakotay!" I hear her shout but I don't care anymore. I can hear her swearing in the distance. In my hurry to get away I bash into Tom and B'ellana walking in the opposite direction to me. B'ellana exclaims but doesn't say anything when she sees my face, I can hear her shushing Tom as he prepares to shout something at me. Forgetting all about showers I walk blindly back to the beach and without a second thought strip down to my boxers and dive in. After a while I'm starting to feel a bit better, the coolness of the sea clears my head of angry thoughts leaving behind only the despair. I have been swimming for a long time now and my arms and legs are actually starting to feel quite numb. I spot a little cove to the side, there is a person walking along it but I don't think about it as I start trying to get my tired limbs to move in that direction. The cold is starting to affect my judgement and my vision is becoming foggy, my movements are getting weaker and I can no longer move that well against the current, a wave breaks over my head and I can see the person on the shore running towards the sea. Another wave breaks over my head and I take a gulp of sea water, it makes me start to cough and retch, then I loose my concentration and sink down again. The sea closes over my head and I desperately try to kick my legs upwards but they seem to weak to do anything. Just as I feel ready to give up a pair of hands grab just under my armpits and yank me upwards. As soon as my head breaks above the surface I suck in a huge breath, nearly causing me to black out. I am being yanked along in the direction of the beach. The person dragging me is obviously having trouble as I can hear them occasionally spluttering as the waves hit their face. I start kicking again and we move a little faster towards the edge. When we finally get to the sand my rescuer dumps me on my back and stands over to one side, retching. I lie still, breathing heavily little sparks of pain start shooting up my body as the feeling comes back into my limbs. My rescuer comes back and helps me move into the sunlight, then they collapse down on the sand and gasp. When I feel better I turn over and look at the person who saved my life, my heart stops dead, it's Kathryn. 

She's lying on her back with her eyes closed, her clothes clinging to her and her hair hanging down in a sodden mess, her breathing is raspy. When she hears me move she opens her eyes and sits up.

"I wouldn't try and move too much yet," She tells me, "Wait until everything's working properly." She coughs suddenly, her petite frame shaking. 

"Are you all right?" I ignore her advice and move over to her side.

"I will be when I can get the taste of this damned sea water out of my mouth." She complains, then she suddenly whacks my arm. "Don't you ever dare do that to me again." She says, "I thought I had lost my first officer then." I grin to myself in spite of everything. "I won't, I promise." 

"What were you doing swimming all the way out there unsupervised anyway?" She asks after a while. "You must have known the risks so don't give me any I didn't know bullshit." I become instantly sullen again.

"I just had to cool off," I look away from her back into the sea.

"Yeah, and not from the sun I bet," She comments.

"No it wasn't," I say bitterly, Kathryn glances sharply at me.

"Chakotay, look at me." I refuse to move my head. "Chakotay!" A hand grabs my arm and yanks me round until I am staring right into the deep blue pools that are Kathryn's eyes. "Chakotay, I did not have sex with Zukrem." I stare into her eyes, almost not daring to believe it, her eyes are filled with honesty. "I wanted to, I'll admit that." She tells me truthfully, "And maybe at one point I would have, but I couldn't." I feel myself believing her, I can even overlook the part about her wanting to have sex with Dracula features, then I remember something.

"So what were you doing in his cabin all night then?" I pull my arm back and stand up.

"Talking," She snaps back, then she softens her tone. "Just talking, nothing else, he wanted something else, he tried to persuade me but we didn't do anything. We just talked."

"What about?" I ask curiously.

"Everything," She shrugs, "This planet, the ship, you." 

I turn back round to her, she's staring back out to the sea, 'what about me' I want to ask, but I know she'll shrink away from me if I do. She shivers and all my questions are extinguished. 

"Gods Kathryn, you look freezing." I move forward and sit back down next to her, wrapping my arms around her.

"I'll be fine, it's you we should be worried about." She says through the chattering of her teeth, her lips have gone a slight shade of blue.

"I'm fine, I'm actually quite warm. You have nothing to keep you warm, you're a skinny little thing." Kathryn laughs, she leans slightly into my chest, her soaking wet hair brushing against me.

"If I didn't know any better I'd say that was a compliment," She jokes, "Anyway I have you to keep me warm." She finishes matter-of-factly.

"No seriously, we should get these wet clothes off of you before you catch pneumonia or something." I insist, she smiles again.

"Sure this isn't a clever ploy to see me with my clothes off?" But she still gets up and moves over to a rock, wrapping her arms around her small frame. "No looking," she warns. I obediently turn my head away and try not to concentrate on the fact Kathryn is at the moment getting undressed behind me. After a short while I decide it's safe to look round and the sight takes my breath away. Kathryn has taken off her skirt and laid it on the rock, she is peeling off her top and at the moment she's pulling it over her head, leaving me to appreciate the rest of her body, my gaze travels up and down, the sunshine has caught her in the perfect position, her arms stretched upwards and her long legs outstretched. The sunlight catches the little streams of water travelling down her body. I take in everything at once while I still have the chance, her flat stomach and gracefully curving hips, her firm thighs ever so slightly tanned, I allow my gaze to linger on her bra, soaked through from the sea, clinging to her breasts. I swallow slightly, all the while aware that I would not be able to keep away from her for much longer. She finally frees her head from the confines of her top and shakes out her hair, flashing golden in the sunlight. I quickly look away before she can catch the desire that must be showing through on my face. I breathe softly and replay the scene in my head, she is so beautiful. I can hear her turning round but she doesn't say anything or make a move towards me. After a while I sneak a look towards her, I obviously catch her in an unguarded moment and she quickly looks away from me. But not before I see the look on her face, it finally gives me the confidence I have been lacking for so long. I stand up quietly and turn to her, she has her back to me but I can tell from her stance that she is paying attention to my every move. I approach her softly, she stretches and I catch her hands while they are still above her head, she turns ever so slightly but doesn't make a move away from me. I slowly bring her hands down and wrap my arms around her waist, then I kiss her softly on her neck. She exhales slowly and I bring my head back up to her, she turns her head around until it is facing mine, her lips are slightly parted and I bend down to them. Our lips fit together as though we had kissed a thousand times. I run my tongue over her bottom lip and then let it explore her mouth, at first she is hesitant but then she retaliates, I let go of her hands and she turns around and places them on my chest. One of my hands runs through her hair and the other trails down her spine, she tastes so sweet with a slight salty taste from the sea. Still together we slowly sink down into the sand, our bodies fitting together in perfect harmony. 

The sunlight streams through my eyelids, I slowly approach wakefulness, I open my eyes and stretch, on my arm Kathryn stirs softly. I turn to face her and smile, I trace her features with one finger. She smiles in her sleep and instinctively moves closer, throwing an arm over my chest and resting her leg on top of mine. I look over to one side and see our clothes still thankfully on the sand. I lie back down and am about to drift back into peaceful sleep when I hear a voice. I sit up and shake Kathryn.

"What?" She mutters sleepily, "Go away, my shift isn't for hours yet." I shake her again impatiently and her eyes flutter open. "What is it Chakotay?" she yawns and stretches.

"Someone's coming," I hiss, She blinks blearily.

"So?" She asks, then she notices her rather obvious lack of clothes and snaps into immediate wakefulness. "Ah, I see your point," She gets up and walks over to where her dress and skirt are still lying, finally dried out. I quickly get dressed, into my boxers. Not a good thing.

"Kathryn?" The figure comes into view, I feel myself going into defensive mode. It's Dracula face.

"Zukrem!" Kathryn walks to meet him, I feel a pang of jealousy, despite what happened last night.

"I was worried about you!" He smiles, he obviously hasn't seen me yet.

"Well I'm fine Zukrem, thank you for your concern." Zukrem envelopes Kathryn in a hug and kisses her cheek, I clench my fists, he'd better not try anything.

"I was wondering if you would like to accompany me for a walk?" He asks, right that's it, I stride out despite Kathryn's frantic gestures for me to stay hidden.

"Is there a problem?" I ask, walking up behind Kathryn and putting my arms protectively around her. Zukrem's smile freezes on his smarmy face. 

"None at all," He mutters between clenched teeth, Kathryn is dying of embarrassment. Zukrem looks sharply at her before forcing his features into a kind of grimace stroke smile. Then he puts a hand on Kathryn's arm, I glare evilly at him.

"Can I please speak with you a minute Kathryn?" Kathryn nods and pulls away from my rather tight grip. They walk off a short way, I watch them all the time, Zukrem keeps looking back at me. Their discussion seems to be getting quite heated, Zukrem is gesturing wildly and Kathryn is trying to calm him down, then he grabs her arm and forces his lips on her. I'm between them and he's lying on the floor with a bloody nose before I even think about what I'm doing. Kathryn tries to get to where he's lying but I hold her back, Zukrem stands up and glares at me. Then he walks off, Kathryn places a hand on my arm.

"You didn't have to do that Chakotay." She tells me sadly.

"I know," I reply, "I guess in a way I do feel sorry for him." She looks at me curiously, "I know what it's like to want you and not be able to have you." I explain, she smiles warmly.

"Come on Chakotay, I think we might have overstayed our welcome." She slips her hand into mine and rests her head on my shoulder, you could see the grin on my face a mile away.

****

THE END 

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End file.
